Having to counsel moms and moms-to-be on how to use nipple creams? Awkward.

Mini-coronary ischemic attack when I found a screw in my back left tire.

Screws suck.

I had so many emotions reading the Great Gatsby; watching the film made it feel so real. 

Love turns men into fools. 

Just bought two suits with my own money from Men’s Wearhouse (buy 1 get 1 free). 

I feel old and poor. It feels like I’m growing up now… that I have stuff that I have to go to that requires a suit… =_ = ASHP Midyear… le sigh.

While I was reading Farewell to Arms, I closed the book and imagined my arms holding a briefcase and then giving me a nod whilst they held their detective hat. I think I should go to bed.

What has research taught me the past three years? Aside from stuff that I’ll probably never use or apply in my lifetime, it’s taught me that we never know the answer. The view we maintain is a construct of what is known now, and with a novel piece of information, the web of connections founded on what we know unravels and is then reconstructed. 

I also learned that there’s two steps in discovery: (1) data and (2) recognizing the impacts of the data. This last bit I’m still trying to muddle through. It’s a sticky swamp of conjecture and swordplay with yourself mostly. Suspending disbelief while deflating expectations is necessary to preserve both sanity and motivation. 

I can’t really say the impact that four years of undergraduate/graduate research will have on my career or what doors it might open. I can’t really imagine anything of the future right now anyways. All I know is how much of a blessing the whole thing is. I live from one moment of grace to the next - really. I still remember sophomore year when the professor that taught my lab spoke to me after class about a project proposal she had and asked me if I wanted to work on the project. I was surprised because my grade in the lab was a solid B, in fact, I think I got a ~75 quiz average in that lab. When I asked her why she brought it up, she said that my method of thinking was different which she got a feel for when I answered questions in lab and when she read over my lab reports. I saw it more as an act of grace than a blessing (although I take it as a blessing). And what gets me every time is that the most joy I’ve derived from the opportunity is being able to bless others. I’ve been able to ask others and allow others opportunities to do research on the project that I’ve been working on. I admit I get frustrated at times, but it really brings me joy to see others learn and grow. 

Most importantly - I learned to not think too much. There’s always more to know, but at the end of the day, you gotta accept the small victories you have. Of course it doesn’t take away an ounce or the drive  in pursuing that glob of mystery dangling from the room, but to keep sane you have to enjoy the little things - like the new buttered pecan iced coffee from Dunkin’ (it’s absolutely to die for).

I keep telling myself how fragile it all is. Life doesn’t come with any expectations. If I died tomorrow, what would anything I have done been worth? I wouldn’t say I’m exhibiting signs and symptoms of suicidality. I just know that my worries, complaints and misgivings aren’t comparable to what’s to come.

It’s so utterly absurd how we act or feel because we hold expectations for tomorrow, even though there is none. 

Also, one of my pharmacy classmates is missing. He was driving back home from campus back to Penn. I just read a few articles and saw the interview of his mom. He’s been missing for three days now. Police have isolated the area he went missing to 40 miles from his home.